08 August 2010

The Haitus Ends...or...I know why Tiger's game is terrible....

It's been quite some time since I've written, I've been kind of just enjoying my summer- kicking back, occasionally doing some minor gambling, but for the most part keeping myself just busy enough to not really relax like I want to/need to/should. Honestly, I hadn't even really considered writing all summer, as nothing really jumped out at me to make me want to write. And then it happened. Watching ESPN, some numbers popped on the TV that just made me want to write.

Those numbers: 74. 72. 75. 77. +18.

Anyone that happens to be a golf fan will recognize that those are some pretty dreadful golf scores. No legitimate professional should put up numbers like that, with those scores being reserved for household names like Michael Jonzen and Henrick Stenson (the 79th and 80th finishers respectively). Oh, forgot to throw Eldrick "Tiger" Woods in there, who finished 78th of 80. That's miserable. Usually, people stinking up the place like this would usually get to leave the course on Friday, after the cuts. Unfortunately, the World Golf Championships at Bridgestone don't have a cut, so Eldrick had to embarass himself, and well, really, Asians and Blacks as well, for his miserable performance. This is merely a continuance of a pattern of pathetic play that has been the standard since his late November tryst with bottles of Ambien and Vicodin, a driveway accident, and apparently a harem of willing, and remarkably quiet women all over the place (he took Ludacris's song to heart more than most).

there's been discussion in all kinds of formats about what's wrong with Tiger's game. Was watching the Golf Channel and homeboy that helps motherfuckers fix their swing seems to think that not having a swing coach is killing him. Some clowns from KC were talking on their radio show that he's not able to focus because Elin is trying to (my words) "break a nigga", asking for some outlandish number from Eldrick for getting his Morgan Freeman on...at this point, shouldn't what we've been calling "The DL" be changed to the Tiger Woods? I mean, come on, man. That dude was clearly banging out dirty sluts all over America (Shony's Restaurant parking lot, a Church Parking lot, various rental cars all over the great 50 states). And although we all know that when your mind starts wandering to issues where the amount of cake you've got is a concern, that your ability to concentrate on other shit just goes away- but we also know that niggas got to go to work, regardless of how stressful my shit is. Can't get FIRED because you can't not bring your problems to the job- then you've got more problems. Biggie said "Mo money, mo problems. But he also wrote a rap that never got released- it's called "Being broke sucks dick." I even heard a discussion about it in the airport, where these two women were throwing their .02 into "how Tiger needs to straighten his shit up." They both thought his not being able to see his kids was making it harder for him to concentrate, and an example of that would be when Eldrick went back to the US to be with his kids a week before the British Open, something he wouldn't have to do if he hadn't put his dick in the mashed potatoes- but he did, and now seeing his kids is something he has to schedule time to do, as they're not at the house. All of these ideas have some merit, but they all, to me, seem to be missing the point. Everyone else has stated an opinion, and now, so will I...

Tiger Woods has been a shitty golf player because pussy to Tiger Woods was like hair to Sampson. Tiger Woods has been a shitty golf player since he went to Mississippi (and really Eldrick, there has to have been a sex addiction camp somewhere, ANYWHERE else than in Mississippi). He signed himself up into sex addicts camp, got the taste of dirty whore out of his system, and BAM! He's a better man. And nobody is doubting that he's a better man. But this was a world class Junkyard Dog. The entire world thought "Tiger Woods is a machine. Always practicing. That's why he always wins". But after he got caught up in Pussygate 2009, he was exposed. But not just the cheating, which was surprising. But it also poked a hole in his vaneer- once it was obvious just how much dirty pussy this guy was getting, it became apparent to everyone that he wasn't practicing all the time, that he wasn't always at home watching video on them to figure out when they were changing their game physically, but that when he was off the course, he was an undisciplined pussy hound, like Birdogger, the guy from your fraternity that now has a shitty job because he knocked his girl up. In other words, it made Eldrick seem mortal. I will repeat, it made him seem mortal. In all games, it's obvious that if people think you're the best, they project an aura of invincibility- one Tiger just grabbed and ran with, coupled with his game, made people believe there was no stopping this man. But after girl number 8 came forward, an ugly one that said she got caught with him by the National Enquirer but bought out of the story...but I digress...think about it. I'm a particularly superstitious person, to the point where I bought 4 blue shirts for out-rounds at nationals, because it was 4 days and I didn't want to have to depend on finding a washer. All competitors have something they do to "get themselves up" for an event- Wade Boggs ate chicken before every game, all the time. I had a friend who debated who, to get himself up for a big debate would have to "rub one out". What if Tiger's been banging out the dirtiest sluts he could find before a tournament? Like rolls into town, grabs a wad of money and heads to the strip club, to find a nice, wholesome woman with good morals and values. He then rolls up, dirty, on the first 20 women he meets, and since he's Tiger MF Woods, it works out for him- usually ends up with sex somewhere dirty (in the pie hole, in an ear, nostril, ect) in some place dirty (bathroom at a Shonys, stairwell at the Motel 6 where they leave the light on because it's outside).

Golf needs Tiger Woods to be good. Ratings are up when he's good, and everyone makes more money- it's kind of like when the Yankees and the Cowboys are good- even though you may not like them, they have substantial fan bases, and when they win, people, nationally, watch. When he's not good, everyone just waits to find out what Ratief Guussun is wearing. So if you want Golf to be good again, it's this simple:

Give Tiger Woods some pussy.