Why I write...

Once again, it's been a couple of days since I've sat down at the computer to write. I have been a little busy, as I have started the baseball tour that is the gift of my girlfriend, and a better gift, i couldn't imagine. Baseball was something that I did with my dad growing up, so it's something that is dear to my heart. It's the reason I haven't gone to baseball games with most of my friends, because even though they are friends, baseball games are a little different, and they hold a little weight. It's not that I couldn't enjoy a Giants game with my peeps, but I would be carrying a little extra baggage, baggage that may affect how I veiw the game and the experience surrounding it, possibly making an uncomfortable situation for all involved. Going to baseball games with my girlfriend is going to baseball games with family, and that makes me happy. It means something I enjoy that I assumed would die with my dad gets to live on, and I get to share it with the person I love most in the world.

However, this has nothing to do with why I didn't write.

I'm pretty sure the reason I haven't been writing has little to nothing to do with my activity, as there have been times, especially during the year, when I have five burners going and I still find slivers of time to write (i know it's not an issue, because I seem to be able to find to play poker, follow random websites, play video games, etc.). When I started writing this blog, I imagined it would be a place for me to tell some of the random stories I've heard or have happened to me over the course of my life, a place for me to rant about sports, and some discussions of politics and race, the things it seems encompass my life.

It did start that way, and at some point, it became more cathartic, more of a place for reflection and confession than I ever assumed it was, as I'm pretty much a close to the vest kind of guy- even people that I would consider my friends don't know very much about me (if I didn't think this kind of shit was retarded, I would create a "how well do you know Doug Dennis?" quiz on Facebook, but then all of my "friends" would make fun of me, and I would be the fodder for a toxicculture.com Facebook blasting post), so when I go back and read some of these posts (I don't read them as I write them, which is why the spelling is sometime suspect), I find myself in utter disbelief sometimes, asking myself first, if I actually wrote some of these things, and secondly, why i would think anyone reading this would care either way about the stuff I care about writing about. More importantly, I wondered why I was writing about the things I was writing about, what was leading me to expose parts of myself I was unwilling to expose before...

...the only answer I can come up with is pretty straight forward, and it seems to jive pretty well with my personality, generally. I write what I write because, I feel like it. It is a blog, and in general, people can make their choices on what pages they read (it's the reason NAMBLA has a website, if you don't know what NAMBLA stands for, it's probably for the better, but you should Google it, but not from your own computer), and if people read my blog and aren't feeling my discussion of the Holy Cross mission and faith, or discussions about me missing my mother, hell, if you're not feeling R to the MF H, then feel free to surf other blogs and websites. I'm not really writing this for anyone else. I'm writing it becasue I feel like writing it, and that means sometimes, there will be topics you're not feeling. on those days, feel free to not read it. It occured to me that I enjoy writing this most when I don't even think about what someone would think if i wrote that, or why would anyone care about that, a but instead just sit down, look at the blank screen, and just write...

...but that does mean sometimes I write about things that are draining to me, reflecting on my mother is helpful, as I feel better at the end, but it's more disclosure than is the norm for me, which means it's much harder for me to pick up and write the next day, because for me, the discloure is exhausting, and sometimes I just don't have the energy to get it done, so I instead sit around and watch TV and/or play video games, essentially replenishing myself....so if there happens to be some lag between posts, just assume I'm refueling from something draining. But if it makes you feel better to assume I was just watching NCIS, then so be it....