David was not one of those experiences. This dude was someone I could have lived without.
This was a really weird dude. When I walked into my dorm room, he was already there- and was just sitting at a table- just staring at the door. When I saw him, it became really apparent to me he did not feel comfortable with me. This is not new to me. But because this isn't new, I'm pretty good about making connections with people. We talked for a few minutes and then i decided that, after a long day of travel, I should shower up, and explore my new environment. I ask David if he's going anywhere, and if he could either leave the door unlocked while I'm in the shower OR to just not leave for a couple of minutes. I jump in the shower and as I get back to the door, it's locked. I beat on the door (thinking this is maybe a joke) and no answer- but i hear a snicker from the end of the hall. It's David. That motherfucker did this on purpose!!
So I take off down the hallway, in a full sprint and in only a towel to cover up the unmentionables. But it's a towel, with open edges at the sides, so it's not doing a bang-up job at cover up. That being said, it did serve it's only purpose: to be on my body long enough to grab my roommate by the back of his shirt and litetrally drag him up a flight of steps to unlock the door, explaining to him (in the way you explain something to someone you're literally dragging around) that, if he ever tried anything like this again, that I would "kill him in his sleep." When we got in the room, he decided he wanted to fight- so he takes a swing- the ass-beating i gave this kid while still in a towel- i only wish there was video of that ordeal- i'm sure it would still be good for some laughs. The conflict ends in front of a disciplinary board, who in the end, thinks his provocation in both the initial issue as well as the fight would indicate that i was not in the wrong. It did teach him to leave me alone-but he wasn't as wise to the guys in the hall...
...so one day, after he pulls pranks or just does total d-bag moves to a ton of kids on the hall- the kids come to me with a favor: they want me to hang out with everyone drinking and gallivanting around, and they want me to make sure that Dave gets really really drunk- this would not be complicated- independently of Dave's small stature (5'2", maybe 120 pounds soaking wet), he was a belligerent drunk that sometimes can't even have those first couple of drinks before he becomes an asshole. So I'm just supposed to draw him here- and then what's gonna happen? I really wanted to know what to expect- what i was agreeing to. But over and over, as if it was the official party line: you're better off not knowing. Let me tell you, if you ever want to get a cryptic feeling from a response- let someone tell you "you're better off not knowing". So then, the drinking starts: we decide to play a game called century club: where the players square off against time- trying to consume one shot of beer per minute for 100 minutes. This mandates that everyone does their drinking as well as requisite shit-talking. There are 6 of us that start, and after about 45 minutes, Dave gets up and tries to excuse himself to go to the restroom. He immediately wakes up, walks to what he thinks is a urinal, pulls down his pants and proceeds to piss in HIS open suitcase, then returns to the table to continue. Clearly, this is not his real cup of tea- this heavy drinking thing. Independently of any drinking going on, there was also some of the that Wacky Weed present, and since I was in college, I enjoyed some of that as well. Dave was a military brat, so this "weird smelling stuff" was something he was unfamiliar with- but since everyone else was partying, he had to be too. So we decided to give him a "muscle relaxer and world spinner" which anyone who has ever drank a ton and then tried to your evening blunted off right, you know that it's a rough experience (once in my spins, i spun head over heels, and not the typical way one spends). I repeat- don't drink (until you're 21- i was when this took place) and don't smoke pot (unless you live in CO or WA, or you have a medical card, or you have legitimate reason for having a card, etc) and really, don't do them in mass because i want to. But anyways, Dave is HAMMERED. He's falling down drunk, and that's when the dudes on the floor, who hated being around this dude, were the first (and- only) person on camp that would be willing to help this poor gentlemen back to his (read: our) room. I thought it was odd, but not even the strangest thing that had happened that day on the hall...so i rolled with it- went to smoke some Ganja and go the fuck to sleep.
I get back to my room and my roommate is passed the hell out in the middle of the floor- mouth wide open. That's odd, they didn't even help get him in his bed, which isn't but maybe 3-5 feet from where it all started. I don't worry about it, and go to sleep...
...after waking up and cleaning myself up, i decide to walk over to breakfast. on the walk over, i see a picture of my roommate: on a wall full of campus posters. He's laying on the floor of our room in the picture, and his mouth is wide. open. And then i notice there are other things on the picture- what are those things around his mouth? Those look like...
Those look like dicks. Those look like 9 dicks (yes, you read that right- nine), all surrounding this guys face, pointing towards his open, some might even say pouting, mouth. The contrast in colors in man-meat made it look like a Benneton Gone Porn advertisement.
And these posters were EVERYWHERE on this campus- they were in the student center, on bus stops, in classrooms, all over the dorm bulletin boards...i got called in, but because my dick obviously wasn't in the picture (no blacks in it at all), they wanted to blame me but couldn't. I wasn't part of that plan at all. Which then helped me understand the "you're better off not knowing" was for my benefit.
But it did force him to move out, so I can't really be hating....although taking out behind the building and beating him like we were Django Unchained would have been better...
But that's just me.
And I'm kind of a dick.
But that's just me.
And I'm kind of a dick.
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