23 April 2009

One of those stories...

I started at UCSB, and I lived in Isla Vista (I.V. for short- a .75 square mile town with 15,000 people in it, the most densely populated place west of the mississippi) for a couple of years before I matriculated there. Upon entering the fine academic institution that houses The Thunderdome, I decided that, in order to get the true college experience, that I should move into the dorms, and enjoy the dorm experience, which i was told every college kid needed to have. It was a great way to meet a ton of people all at once, the dorms at UCSB didn't suck, and the same could not be said for the great majority of the apartments in I.V, which for the most part was a shit hole with a few really nice and really pricy apartments (one of which i had been living in and being fucked monthly, paying $875 for my own room in an apartment NOT on the beach). So after realizing I was trading off freedom of non-dorm living with just the extra cheddar i would be able to keep in my coin purse, I decided to live in the dorms, and to have a roommate....

...move in day. There's always some degree of tension as you wait for your roommate (I was living in I.V when i came in, i just moved my stuff like 8 blocks and waited). At about 1:30pm, the door opens, and it's my roommate. He's a really tall guy, about 6'3" and he's a white guy (I'm a short black guy, just for visualizations sake), really slender, and seems a little uncomfortable and stand-offish. I approach him and introduce myself, he does likewise, and we start the process of small-talking. Those of you that know me, and can't figure out why I'm not a fan of the small talk, well, here you go. This conversation actually happened...

ME: What do you like to do for fun?
KS: Not much...i read...i watch tv....and i masturbate.

This has now become a hair uncomfortable. It's not that i'm against conversations on masturbation, or against stroking the baloney pony in general. But 30 seconds into the conversation...not really sure how to respond, so i did what any red-blooded American would do...

ME: ...I masturbate too...
KS: No. I don't think you understand. I masturbate. A lot. 10-15 times a day.

This kid's got to be kidding. How do you even do that? When do you find the time? At this time, I'd been living in I.V for the last 2 years, essentially living with UCSB students and their tall tales and bullshit stories over kegs of watered down Coors Light. I had heard enough outlandish shit to last me 10 years, so i just put it in the back of my mind and went on my merry way. Because I was, for all intents and purposes, a local, I knew all the cool places to get my party on, and all of the best bars, so i quickly befriended a variety of kids from the building....

...the first day of classes starts. I'm actually much more excited than i anticipated. I had been living in town for a couple of years, and had seen the process of the first day from an outsiders prespective, and had even found myself mocking incomings (what i called freshmen) for their levels of excitement, and now here I was, almost giddy as I walked across campus to attend my first college class. I went down, had some late breakfast (class wasn't until 10am, come on, I'm not an idiot) and went to class. The first day of class is mostly getting a syllabus and figuring out if this a class you'll take or one you intend on dropping at the first oppurtunity....so the class almost never goes the full time. As I leave the class, i find out there are a couple of my new-found friends are in this class as well (i would find out taking classes with friends isn't that big a deal if you have 700 people in your class), so we decide to head back to my room in the dorms for a little game of "Hit the Tree" and then some lunch. So I walk to the door, with four friends, ready to enjoy some of Northern California's finest, open the door...and on the floor...butt fucking naked...is my roommate KS...and he's masturbating...with a degree of fury that i could only describe as painful...we all stand in the doorway in stupified silence until...

Jill: I did NOT fucking need to see that.
Me: I really need to smoke a bowl...right now...and i can't even get it....
Bob: Close the door, for the love of God, close the door...

Door is closed. I caughth him masturbating six times in the next week. I only opened that door 8 more times before i was given a single room by the housing department (for no extra money, they said it was the least they could do), and i caught him six times. Not a lot more disturbing than walking in on someone masturbating, especially if they don't care.

So whenever I hear anyone say "You've GOT to live in the dorms. It's a must have experience, I just tell them my story, because for every kid that meets his/her roommate and are BFF's, there's the kid that jerks off all the time...

someday i'll tell the story of why the guys on my floor got my roommate drunk so they could take pictures of their dicks around his open mouth...

dd

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